UnlearningSilence.blog

Through the relationships I have had so far, I have learned a lot about how I love, what I need, what I give, and what I sometimes tolerate for longer than I should. I am still a work in progress, but I wanted to put some of it into words and leave it here.

I think it is far more important to know who you are in a relationship than to have a detailed idea of who you want your partner to be. It is easy to fall in love with someone’s potential. It is much harder, and much more honest, to understand yourself: how you love, what you need, what you give, where your boundaries are, and what you should never have to tolerate.

So, if you want to love me properly, understand this first: I am not someone who loves halfway. When I care about you, you will eventually find me woven into the fabric of your life. I will remember the things you said in passing, notice when something is wrong before you tell me, and want to know about your day, your ambitions, your worries, the things that excite you, and the things you do not know how to say out loud. I will show up, not because I need to be everywhere, but because when I love someone, their life starts to matter to me.

I do not always need to announce that I have fallen for you because I tend to demonstrate it. My love is often found in ridiculous consistency: checking in, making time, remembering, helping, protecting, encouraging, surprising you, celebrating you, and simply being there. You will not have to spend your time wondering whether you matter to me because I will make it very difficult for you to doubt it. If I choose you, you will know that you are chosen. I do not want to keep you guessing whether I care, and I have no interest in manufactured uncertainty or games designed to make someone chase. I would rather give you something real and see whether you are capable of meeting me there.

When I love someone, I genuinely think, “Why would I give you the bare minimum when I could make you feel incredible?” Why would I do the least when I could make your day better, make you feel appreciated, make you laugh, support you when you are struggling, celebrate you when things are going well, or simply do something thoughtful because I know it will mean something to you? I do not love with the mindset of calculating how little I can give while still keeping you around. If you matter to me, giving becomes natural. I want to give because I want to, not because I am keeping score.

I am fiercely independent, but that does not mean I do not want to be loved deeply. In fact, it means I want to be loved in a very particular way. I do not want someone to complete me. I want someone who already has a life, a mind, a purpose, and a sense of self, and who nevertheless looks at me and says, “I choose you.” I want a partner, not a project. I want someone I can admire, someone with a backbone, someone who can challenge me without trying to diminish me, and someone who can stand beside my strength rather than constantly trying to compete with it or control it.

Beneath all that confidence is a very simple desire: I want to feel proud to love you, and I want to feel that you are proud to love me. I do not need to be worshipped, and I do not need constant reassurance, but I do need to feel valued. Do not make me feel hidden, interchangeable, or like an option you might choose if something better does not come along. If you love me, stand beside me with intention and let your actions make it obvious.

I will give you a tremendous amount of loyalty when I believe we are truly in it together. I will fight for you, defend you, believe in you when you struggle to believe in yourself, and probably become far more invested in your problems than you expected. I will celebrate your wins as though they happened to me too, and I will want to see you become everything you are capable of becoming. When I love you, your happiness matters to me, your pain matters to me, and your future matters to me.

But there is something you need to understand about that loyalty: please do not mistake it for permission to take me for granted. I can tolerate more than I should when I love someone. I can explain things away because I want to understand you. I can forgive because I remember the person I fell in love with. I can give chances because I believe people can grow, and sometimes that means I stay longer than I should.

I will have conversations, try to fix things, tell you when something hurts me, and give you the opportunity to understand me and do better. But there is a difference between making a mistake and repeatedly making me live with the same mistake. There is a difference between needing grace and expecting me to have no boundaries. There is a difference between me fighting for our relationship and me having to fight against you for basic respect. The latter will eventually break something in me.

When I am hurt, I do not necessarily leave immediately. Sometimes I leave quietly, long before I physically walk away. I become tired of explaining, tired of initiating, tired of wondering, and tired of making excuses for behaviour that would be unacceptable if someone I loved were experiencing it. I become tired of giving someone the benefit of the doubt while receiving very little in return. Eventually, I stop trying to convince you to choose me, I stop asking for what should have been freely given, and I stop fighting.

That is when you should understand that my leaving was never sudden. You simply did not see all the times I stayed when I was already hurting. By the time I finally walk away, I may have already grieved the relationship, questioned myself, given you chances, hoped for change, and exhausted every part of me that wanted things to work. The final goodbye may take a moment, but arriving at it rarely does.

So if you want to love me properly, do not wait until I am at the end of my patience to show me that I matter. Choose me while I am still soft. Be consistent while I am still hopeful. Communicate while I am still willing to understand. Protect what we have while I am still fighting beside you. Do not make me beg for things that should naturally exist between two people who genuinely love each other.

I do not need perfection from you, and I do not expect it because I certainly do not offer it. I need honesty, effort, emotional maturity, consistency, respect, and the feeling that whatever happens, we are on the same side. I need someone who can apologise without being forced, communicate without being chased, and make an effort without needing to be reminded that I am worth the effort.

Love me with enough freedom that I can still be myself and enough security that I never have to question whether I am wanted. Let me be strong, but give me somewhere safe to be soft. Let me have my independence, but make it clear that I never have to carry everything alone. Let me love you fiercely without making me prove my love through how much pain I am willing to tolerate.

Because I am capable of loving someone with my whole heart. I will give deeply when I feel safe, chosen, respected, and loved in return. I will bring loyalty, passion, tenderness, protection, laughter, encouragement, and a kind of devotion that does not need to be constantly announced because you will see it in everything I do.

But the person who gets that heart should understand something: I can love you deeply and still choose myself. I can understand your wounds without allowing them to become weapons against me. I can forgive you without forgetting what I need. I can believe in your potential without sacrificing myself to wait for you to become the person you promised you would be.

And if I ever have to choose between keeping you and keeping myself, I hope you understand that walking away will not mean I did not love you. It will mean that, finally, I learned that loving someone else should never require me to abandon myself.