A lunch-break brain dump. I want to write this as I am thinking and feeling it, because later I will get on with everything else and probably forget. And I don’t want to forget this. Today feels good, and I am starting to understand why.
I am sensitive. I don’t like jokes at other people’s expense, and I tend to keep objecting long after people think I should have lightened up. I don’t like playing games or getting somewhere at someone else’s expense. Apparently, I am too accommodating with my employees and too liberal with my children. These are not my words, although I have heard them often enough to give them some thought. Perhaps being a little more ruthless would make certain things easier for me. I can see that.
But I am also starting to see the fruit of some of my choices. My eldest is at university this year, an intelligent, responsible and loving young man. My youngest has more emotional intelligence than many adults I know. Both can say what they think assertively and compassionately. They don’t need to be frightened or frustrated before they can speak honestly with me. I love that about them.
I have trained and helped qualify four solicitors who are excellent lawyers and lovely human beings. They know you don’t have to bring someone down to rise. They have worked hard for their achievements, and I am happy to have had a part in helping them get there. So perhaps being “too accommodating” deserves a slightly more detailed assessment.
Since the calming of the storm, I have been able to focus on my business and realise how much I enjoy it. Today I am in my office, surrounded by amazing colleagues, in a city where we have all worked so hard to get somewhere. And I am here. I think I have been so busy getting here that I haven’t quite stopped to enjoy it. It feels like finally picking fruit from a tree I planted years ago, after all that work and wondering whether anything would grow.
I went for a walk with a friend and colleague. We talked about clothes for a wedding she is going to, female friendships, friends who become family, and our businesses. We both love what we do. There were ideas to share and lovely, ordinary things to talk about. Nothing dramatic. I honestly hadn’t realised how sweet that could feel.
It isn’t about survival anymore. There is room for love, friendship, enjoying my work, enjoying myself. I am independent and content. I like my own company. I can think about who I actually am and what I want, rather than who I need to be to get through something. Had I known this feeling was waiting, perhaps getting here would have been a little easier.
Of course, my way hasn’t worked with everybody. Sometimes I have given too much or waited too long for someone to show me the consideration I showed them. I know there are things to learn. But I am also beginning to trust that there is something worthwhile in the way I am, and I don’t want to lose it just because it can be inconvenient. I am strong enough to protect this sensitive part of me. When it hasn’t worked with someone, does that mean I needed to be different, or simply that I wasn’t for them?
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